Sheriff’s Report: ‘Cat-itude’ Leads to Assault at Jay’s Sports Bar

From the Stafford sheriff’s office:

ASSAULT:
Jay’s Sports Bar, 2866 Richmond Highway, 10/27, 2:08 a.m. Deputy R.T. Philippsen responded to an assault. The suspect got a cat-itude with the victim after seeing him with another feline. In response, the suspect brought the claws out and assaulted the victim, breaking his glasses in the process. She was charged with assault and battery, as well as, destruction of property. The suspect was released by the magistrate on pur-sonal recognizance.

DUI:
Area of Richmond Highway and Cranes Corner Road, 10/27, 2:06 a.m. Deputy M.A. Holub was traveling Northbound on Richmond Highway when the Honda next to him drifted towards him, nearly striking him. Fur-tunately, a near cat-astrophe was avoided. Deputy Holub began observing the vehicle as it traveled 11 MPH in a 45 MPH zone and conducted a traffic stop. The driver wasn’t hiss-terical, but advised he was “tired.” Deputy Holub figured the fur real reason for his driving behavior was because of alcohol, considering the driver had signs of intoxication and admitted to litter-ally having “about two beers.” The driver was charged with driving under the influence, the traffic lane violation, and impeding traffic. He was held at Rappahannock Regional Jail until sober.

Jay’s Sports Bar, 2866 Richmond Highway, 10/27, 2:46 a.m. Deputy J.J. Holetzky was on scene for a different less than claw-some incident when he observed a vehicle quickly park. The driver, dressed as a cat’s best friend, a witch, jumped out of the driver’s seat only to pounce into some bushes. It was discovered the driver was marking her territory for she had to go to the bathroom right meow. The witchy driver had signs of intoxication and admitted to consuming alcohol at a party. She was charged with driving under the influence and held at Rappahannock Regional Jail until sober.

Forest Lane Road, 10/27, 9:09 p.m. Deputy C.D. Quebedeaux was in the area attempting to cat-ch a suspect who disa-pur-ed during a previous incident. Deputy Quebedeaux would observe the suspect vehicle traveling at a high rate of speed and using his cat-like reflexes, conducted a traffic stop. The suspect had signs of intoxication, but advised she was pur-fectly good to drive. After conducting field sobriety tests, deputies did not think that was paw-sible. The suspect was charged with driving under the influence and served on her outstanding warrants. She was held at Rappahannock Regional Jail on a $2,000 secured bond.

LARCENY:
Jin’s Garden Chinese Restaurant, 263 Garrisonville Road, 10/27, 2:49 p.m. Deputy J.J. Holetzky responded to an a-paw-ling crime. Staff advised a male wasn’t there for shrimp tem-pur-a, but instead their tip jar. The cat burglar left in a pickup truck that helped Deputy Holetzky identify the suspect. The game of cat and mouse ended when Deputy Holetzky located the suspect later into his shift. During a search incident to arrest, the suspect was found to be in possession of something stronger than catnip. He was charged with larceny and possession of a controlled substance. The suspect would have time for a cat nap considering he was held at Rappahannock Regional Jail without bond.

Walmart, 11 Village Parkway, 10/28, 1:22 p.m. We’re not kitten around when we tell you there was another larceny report. Staff advised a male ran out of the store faster than a cat after seeing the vacuum with approximately $300 worth of items. The suspect was accompanied by a feline suspect and Deputy D.J. Ferrell is investigating.
7-Eleven, 201 Garrisonville Road, 10/28, 3:54 p.m. Deputy R.W. Stamm responded to a larceny. Staff advised one moew-ment their phone and credit cards were there, the next, they were whiskered away by an unknown male. It was discovered later on the cards were fraudulently used.

PUBLIC INTOXICATION:
Area of Richmond Highway and Washington Drive, 10/27, 9:12 p.m. Sergeant M.L. Jacobeen responded to an intoxicated person call. The caller advised a male was stumbling around near traffic, much like Tom after getting hit over the head with a frying pan by Jerry. Sergeant Jacobeen located the suspect in the middle of the road with signs of intoxication. While the suspect advised he paw-fered to walk home, un-fur-tunately that would not be a safe option. He was charged with public intoxication and held at Rappahannock Regional Jail until sober.