‘Beef-witted scallywag causeth damage to a car:’ Stafford’s crime blotter for ‘National Talk Like Shakespeare Day’

April 23 was National Talk Like Shakespeare Day, and the Stafford County Sheriff’s Office — known for its creative press releases — got in on the action. Here’s its full accounting of criminal incidents posted that day, written like the “Bard of Avon.”

Stafford County Sheriff’s Daily Incident Report:  Release Date April 23, 2024

ASSAULT
Shelton Shop Road, 4/21, 8:36 p.m. Twas a dark and chilly night, When Deputy Croson respondeth to a fight. One combatant hath partaken of ye-olde-alcohol, And causeth disturbances, which leadeth to his fall. He receiveth a large gash upon his head, And endeth his evening in a hospital bed. Thou thinketh a crime, methinks nonsense Tis clearly a case of ye-olde self-defense. As surely as the sun doth set in the west,

In this fisticuffs, no charges were pressed. Deputies responded to a disturbance on Shelton Shop Road and one of the subjects required treatment at a local hospital for an injury to his head. Deputies determined the injured party was assaulted as a result of self defense and no charges were placed.

DUI
Cambridge Street, 4/21, 3:00 a.m.
Motorist of 24 years from Fredericksburg City, T’would drink and drive, which is not ‘ery witty. He doth crasheth into a parked car, on the side of yon road, Deputy Ward respondeth and hath his car towed.
Eyes were quite glassy, his balance unsteady, Placed in jail with a bond, the endeth already. A 24-year-old male from Fredericksburg crashed into a parked car and was arrested for DUI. He
was held at the Rappahannock Regional Jail on a bond.

Cliff Circle, 4/21, 6:37 a.m.
Deputy Gildea doth respondeth to an SUV on its side, Driven by a drunk driver, near yon trailer double wide. The 18-year-old driver, from the County of Stafford, T’was too young for alcohol, so not all above board. T’was arresteth for DUI, went right to yon jail, Methinks Magistrate not pleased, for he receiveth no bail. An 18-year-old male was arrested for DUI after crashing into a parked car and overturning his SUV. He was jailed without bond and additionally charged with underage alcohol possession.

Corvair Street, 4/21, 4:48 p.m.
Deputy Suarez observeth a Ford maketh improper turn, An intoxicated driver lacketh license, quite a concern. Of Stafford County, a woman of 53 years, Will now be the recipient of many a jeers. Hopefully she learneth, next time call an Uber, For ‘ere night she was jailed until sober, her bond unsecure. A 53-year-old female was arrested for DUI after she made an illegal turn. She was held at the Rappahannock Regional Jail until sober.

Corvair Street, 4/21, 4:48 p.m.
Deputy Suarez observeth a Ford maketh improper turn, An intoxicated driver lacketh license, quite a concern. Of Stafford County, a woman of 53 years, Will now be the recipient of many a jeers. Hopefully she learneth, next time call an Uber, For ‘ere night she was jailed until sober, her bond unsecure. A 53-year-old female was arrested for DUI after she made an illegal turn. She was held at the Rappahannock Regional Jail until sober.

LARCENY

Walmart, 11 Village Parkway, 4/21, 12:59 p.m.
Deputy De Hoyos respondeth to the pilferage of a cart of grocery, T’would be hard to imagine this canker blossoms roguery! A license plate twas provided, a quick check with DMV, A warrant is now on file, you shant take things for free! A female suspect fled the Walmart with a cart full of groceries. Staff provided her vehicle information and a warrant is now on file for her arrest.

Hunton Drive, 4/21, 4:45 p.m.
Deputy Amato learneth of the theft of yon chariot. Resident’s Corolla disappeareth faster than a horse named Secretariat.
The car twas entered into a national database, listed as stolen. Prosecution awaiteth for those who hath a role in! A resident reported their Toyota Corolla stolen from their driveway.

TRAFFIC OFFENSE

Stafford Hospital, 4/21, 5:22 p.m.

Beef-witted scallywag causeth damage to a car. Owner twasn’t there, now we searcheth for cause of the mar.
A driver reported his unoccupied vehicle was struck by a hit and run driver in the Stafford Hospital parking lot.

WARRANT SERVICE
3000 Block of Richmond Highway, 4/21, 2:41 p.m. A wanted driver Deputy Martinez did stop on the street, A smoke wagon found concealed in the door neareth the driver’s seat. Outstanding warrants were served, addeth a new one for the gun,
He was released without bond, so let’s hopeth he won’t run. A wanted suspect was stopped in the 3000 block of Richmond Highway. During the arrest a concealed handgun was found in the door. He was released by the magistrate on the outstanding warrants and the new concealed weapon warrant.